The Cob, the Bagel and the Ugly side of Foodselfies

First Contact

It’s not that I am scared to wear contact lenses, I just lack the motivation to poke myself in the eye every day. But in my recent attempt to say YES as much as possible, I ended up agreeing to a trial. You never know, maybe if I can see the ball I might become a better footballer and squash player. Unlikely, but still.

I was making every effort not to show how nervous I was, but it’s fair to say I was not hiding it very well. The optician was friendly, calm, and doing a good job at buidling my confidence for the imminent eye poking. That is, until he decided share a story about the time he dettached his friend’s retina by hitting a squash ball directly into his eye. With each graphic detail he shared, my confidence continued to dissappear. In typical British fashion however, I still couldn’t muster the courage to say I had changed my mind. Turns out it’s not all that bad. I might avoid playing squash for a while though.



And now for a poem….

Snug as a Bug

As snug as a bug in a rug,
or a pug in a jug,
or a thug in a tug.

I wonder though, why the thug is in a tug?
And for that matter, the pug in a jug?
Or the bug in a rug?

How did they get there?
Where are they going?
Are they happy or sad?
Indifferent or scared?

What if the pug was in a rug?
And the thug in a jug,
and the bug in a tug.

Does it make any difference?
Does anyone care?
I’d ask the thug but he just shrugs.
And the pug just slugs from his jug.
And the bug, he can’t talk. He’s a bug.


London Underground

You know that feeling when you’re on the London underground staring at a pattern on the wall and wonder, what would it sound like if someone converted it to a midi track?

Maybe someone has hidden Beethoven in the walls? Or a secret message waiting to be discovered? The architect of Southwark station hoping that someone will eventually decipher his message and rescue him. Having been held captive since the station opened on the 20th November 1999,  he has survived only on the rejected scraps of food from the rats who inhabit the network of underground tunnels. He was about to give up hope until I, Captain Breadbeard, discovered his secret message!

Below is an extract of the original pattern converted to midi, and then given musical life…




The Ugly Side of Food Selfies

#nofilter #instafood #foodporn #foodselfies


Captain’s Quarters – The hunt for Captain Breadbeard’s treasure

Think Dragon’s Den, but ideas more in their embryonic stage of life…

  • A band called ‘The Anglers’ or ‘Captain Breadbeard and the Anglers’. Inspired by the lyrics from Stereophonic’s Bartender and the Thief: ‘Long digging, Gone fishing, Love drinking’
  • All credit to Matt Murphy for this one. The Pepto-Cooler – a Peptobismol milkshake with a shot of Baileys and squirty cream.
  • Binglehoo – combining Bing, Google and Yahoo to create the ultimate search engine.
  • A bread based re-write of ‘Ready or Not’ by the Fugees called ‘Bready or not’.


Captain’s Log

Where’s Captain Breadbeard this week? For the love of lists and in the name of being economical with words (which should definitely be refered to as lexiconomy despite it not appearing in my dictionary. Surely that’s already word?), here is my week in a list or URLs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.