Bread and Butter Face

You will be pleased to hear I have commissioned myself a new project. On its completion, the USA will be a little less sexist. Which is a good thing. I am making no judgement about the levels of sexism in America, nor pointing the finger generally (or specifically) at anyone.  I am referring primarily to the use of phrase ‘Butterface’ (aka, butter face or buttaface). It describes a woman who is attractive with the exception of her face. But where is the male equivalent?

In the UK we opt for a more politically correct phrase known as a Bobfoc. ‘Body off Baywatch, face off Crime Watch’. Gender neutral, whilst still keeping the efficiency of single word when you need to draw people’s attention quickly to such a person in public.

If history has taught us anything, trying to force the English way on our American friends is probably not the way to go. In truth, I cannot see a situation where that is the only thing history could have taught us. Maybe some of the pages got torn out the book, in fact maybe all the pages except one, so now there is just one page and the cover remaining… It’s a shame not to use the same phrase, as Bobfoc beautifully combines a popular American fictional drama and a non-fictional English classic. There is something better to say here, I just can’t put my finger on it. Any ideas, please let me know.

Baywatch/Crimewatch audio mashup should really be here, but sadly it’s not finished, although it is now on ‘the list’. Here’s a sneak peak on the lyrics…

Some people stand in the darkness

Afraid to step into the light

It’s because although they have a body off Baywatch

They also have a face off Crime Watch


A work in progress…

Anyway… the point is I decided it’s best to choose a male equivalent for the Americans to use. The world of web had a couple of suggestions…

  • Buttisface. Lazy, too obvious. It sounds like you are just saying  “But his face…” Which you are. So surely that defeats the point?
  • Prawns. As in ‘tasty, but lose the head’. Problem is a prawn is a prawn. It’s a nice sentiment, but I think it should at the very least be called prawnhead. Still, no. 

I would like to suggest Breadface. If your face was made of bread, it would likely be less attractive than your body, it also goes nicely alongside Butterface (as in bread and butter), and it is an anagram of beard – mostly found on the faces of men.

I should really talk about visiting my friend Nick in Geneva/Chamonix, watching Trygve Wakenshaw, hearing Arttu Palmio, or going on a Beaver Scout camping weekend and dressing up as Captain Jack Sparrow… But I’ve run out of time talking about people with beautiful bodies and ugly faces. Oh well, a couple of outtakes to finish off…


Woman on a train in a heated drunken argument:

 “I have every right to my racism!” 

French Pilot:

“We are about to begin our descent into Geneva in the next 20 minutes. The weather in Geneva is ermm errr (cleary looks out of window) it’s cloudy…. blah blah blah.”

Captain’s Quarters:

  • A feature length film called Cats away, where the cast of cats get stuck on a deserted island with Tom Hanks.

That’s all. Until next time!


Russell Stevens for introducing me to the phrase Bobfoc

Jared McFarland for introducing me to the phrase Butterface







I find your lack of yeast disturbing

Now then, here’s the thing. A new thing. If you would rather listen to me than read me. Yes? Then just click HERE and the magic will begin.

What to say this week?

I could tell you about Freddie…

(Hello Freddie) or Freddy – I never did ask. I tend to gravitate towards Freddie with an IE. I suppose because of Freddie Ljungberg, but Fredd(y/ie) supports Tottenham so…. who knows? As irony would have it, Alanis, we met watching an Arsenal game on my birthday (not against Tottenham I should add) and it turns out Freddie is also a ‘yes man’ like myself. Living in Ipswich, but on realising he’s never seen the white cliffs of Dover set off to visit by himself. Whilst in Kent decided he’d book into a hotel in Canterbury and head to a pub to watch the football. And two ‘yes men’ in the same place typically turns into a long evening, which was a perfect birthday outing for me. Thanks Freddie.

…. but I won’t. Or about building a pizza oven in the back garden with my dad, breaking down on the M23, signing up for Beachbody on Demand, camping at Bodiam, or my emotions following Avengers: Infinity War. But again, I won’t…. I’d like to try and talk about Star Wars. Sorry, actually I’m not sorry, I’m British.

A long time ago in a bakery far, far way….

So ‘The Last Jedi’ has already been released on dvd.

Sorry, quick aside – do you remember Blockbuster? If you do, then you’ll be pleased to hear that apparently everything is going to be ok as the ‘Magic of Blockbuster Video lives on with Dish’. No? me neither. What’s that Luke? ‘Impressive. Every word in that sentence was wrong.’ OK. Sorry, sorry – whilst we’re here, Blockbusters? Ooh, and that leads us nicely to Ian Dury and the Blockheads.  Hit me with your rythym stick. Hit me slowly. Hit me quick. Hit me. Sorry.

And that is enough unapologetic sorrying. Before being British, I am essentially just energy. (NRG. I wonder what other words can you spell with just letters?) They used to say everything is made up of matter, but it’s energy now. Can’t keep up with these things.

Let’s get back on track… Official Star War’s Day, May the 4th, has also come and gone. But it doesn’t matter, I’m going to make Star Wars references anyway. And to tie(fighter) it back to a more bread related  theme, did you know there is a kind of bread called ‘Obi Non’?  A flatbread popular in Afghan and Uzbek cuisine similar to a naan bread! Who knew?

Honestly, I’ve now forgotten the point. It was going to be something about light and dark, balance and the force. Luck, chance, and looking for significance in the insignificant.

Them an Obi Wan Kenobi quote ‘In my experience there is no such thing as luck.” Followed by a book I’m reading:

And whilst we’re here, the other book I’ve also got on the go…



Matt Fell, for suggesting when I write my biography I call it ‘Dave: Useful but not Necessary’

Dan, for towing my car and family back from Gatwick in the middle of the night.

Jefff, for both being a helpful employee of Go Outdoors, and for being called Jefff with 3 fs. I suppose really I should be thanking parents.

And Caleb, for introducing me to ASMR eating sounds. It’s a whole world of weird I never knew existed!



It’s been a while since I included a list. So here’s a list of things I did not like as a child, that I have since checked to see if I now like them as an adult…

  • Liver
  • Smashing Pumpkins
  • Oasis
  • Knitted jumpers
  • Dentists
  • Reloading the dishwasher

… I don’t.



Let’s play.

Google Feud?

All you have to do is guess the top 10 suggestions from the Google search autocomplete for particular words or phrases. For example, they might say Natalie, and to win you would have to guess the following surnames. You would then realise that they are all older than you with the exception of Natalie Alyn Lind, who you’ve never heard of before, taking you on a journey of creative optimism followed by ‘all change’ despair that you are yet acheive anything that a Natalie can do. It’s all in the name. I mean it would have been a brave choice to call your firstborn son Natalie… but it would have set up me for life. Thanks mum and dad. Oh well.



Boggle Wordsearch?

Inspired by the laziest wordsearch I’ve ever seen (as below), which included only conjunctions, I realised the only lazier option would be a Boggle wordsearch, where you try to find the words in the ‘Boggle grid’ from an already played list of answers. Invite yourself around, and we can play a few rounds.



‘Bake. Or bake not. There is no try.’

‘I’ll never turn to the dark rye side. You’ve failed, your highness. I am a ciabatta, like my father before me.’

‘I’m one with the flour. The flour is with me.’

‘These aren’t the breads you’re looking for…’



Eat Sweet Repeat

I’d tell you the one about the pencil, but there’s no point. 

Similarly, I am not sure what the point of the following is, however here are some memories I have of school from the year 1992.

  • Being stabbed in the back with a compass during class, and after having told the teacher, the rest of the lesson was spent listening to the other kids repeatedly saying “what’s the point?”
  • Getting sent to the headmaster’s office for running in the playground. I accidentally ran into somebody, but retrospectively it was a playground, and being sent to the headmaster seems a tad OTT.
  • Pooed my pants. As you do. Also something of a liquid event, but I was too embarrassed to say anything, so to avoid leaving wet patches on chairs I spent the day sitting on my lunchbox lid.
  • Started supporting Arsenal.



Captain’s Quarters…

  • Dear Mr Haribo. Firstly to say, big fan. Secondly, have you ever thought to use the  phrase “Eat Sweet Repeat” for a marketting campaign? No catch, it’s a free idea from me, to you. I’m not looking for money, just a few sweets will be fine. Thanks, Captain Breadbeard.


Wake up. 

This week’s musical meandering has come together in the following part baked idea…


I Love Bread. 

Actually one more… TFW you hear someone preach about the “I Am” sayings of Jesus, and it is the “Bread of Life” week. Thanks Matt. Also, I feel someone missed a trick in not calling it the IAMS series. People love cats.



Can someone please throw a Tintin fancy dress party so I can come as Captain Haddock.


This week on the Breadvine.

  • Good service is alive and well in the Netherlands…

Waiter: If it’s too strong, then come back. 

Me: Strong is good. 

Waiter: Ok, then if it is too weak come back.

There was one time when we were children, he transformed himself into a snake, and he knows that I love snakes. So, I went to pick up the snake to admire it and he transformed back into himself and he was like, “Yeah, it’s me!”. And he stabbed me. We were eight at the time.

  • Don’t judge a sweet by its wrapper.

Lady: Do you know where Sainsbury’s is?

Me: You’re close, just down this road on your right

Lady: Thanks. Are you interested in buying any clothes? Women’s clothes. (whilst pointing to a big bag under her buggy)

Me: I think I’m ok. Thanks? Good luck.

  • Weatherspoon’s Special. To set the scene… The lady opposite was dressed smart for work and entertaining two French guests for breakfast, although she didn’t eat any breakfast herself. She perfectly played to the stereotype of an Englishman abroad, speaking to her guests in a loud, slow, condescending voice. After completing a lecture on the history of JD Weatherspoon, she attempted some conversation with them to fill the awkward situation. It was not going well, I zoned back in for this nugget:

Guest: I was recently in Japan…

Lady: Oh right, Moscow is near Japan? 

Guest: No. I was recently in Japan. 

Lady: I’ve never been to Japan. 


Dropped the beat in Amsterdam. 

We spent a week with the kids at Centre Parcs in Holland for Easter, which was great of course. But having “turned off” for a week it has been a struggle to get back into the creative gear. I’ve been working my way through some classic phrases to help get the beat back.  ‘Tidy home, tidy mind’ has seen me spring cleaning, ‘If you don’t prioritise your time, someone will do it for you’ has got me organising lists and booking things into the diary. And ‘Where did you have it last?’ has got me contemplating a return trip to Holland to find my lost rhythm. Hopefully one of those will work, else I’ll have to rely on time healing everything. Hoping to have put together a long overdue podcast for next weekend… watch this space.



Make him a loaf he can’t refuse.


Hello. I am Captain Breadbeard, the man with bread on his face. Welcome to blog number 10, and well done for making it this far!

I have moved one step closer to creating a podcast this week with the creation of a little Captain Breadbeard ditty. I hope you like it…

As you can see, I also bought a hat which felt was a step in the right direction… Well, one direction at least. But not One Direction, that would be something else.

That’s a lot of face. Sorry. Here’s something… different.

Gangster Bread. 


Donnie Brasco – Hey, Focaccia ’bout it.

Scar Face – So you wanna play dough? Say hello to my little Fougasse.

The Godfather – Make him a loaf he can’t refuse.

Loss of the Real. 

Transport yourself into the fictional world of a Hollywood blockbuster. Every object and conversation purposefully packed full of meaning and clues to take you to the next scene. But as you look closer at each piece of the puzzle you realise it belongs not only in this picture, but is part of another work of art. Another fictional world. A three-dimensional sculpture. You are caught in Baudrillard’s loss of the real. A Penrose Staircase of interweaving fiction.

You can return to the “real” world, but you’ve seen the matrix now. You’ve been behind the curtain. Nothing can be the same again. The moments you attribute to either coincidence or fate, more likely propaganda. You’re told the possibilities are endless, but pop culture has got us reading from the same song sheet.

When was the last time you said “oh, that reminds me of…”


Anyway, breathe. Just a thought.

This week in Captain’s Quarters…

  • Imagine Cildo Meireles’ 2001 installation titled Babel which is made up from radios, but instead of radios, beer cans. And naturally this new creation will be called Beerbel. Each can from a different country, and as the suffering artist, I will drink each beer as part of the creative journey.
  • Apportunity. Another word I will be submitting to the Oxford English Dictionary for consideration. Used to describe an idea which is good enough to turn into a smart phone app.

Yes Man.

I have been learning (and enjoying) saying YES to as much as possible for the last 2 months. It might be a direct question or invitation from someone, maybe seeing a poster for an event or overhearing a conversation. I’ve not gone fully Danny Wallace, but a shift in that direction. Some of the new ‘rules’ in my life:

  • Say YES as much as possible.
  • Write it down! Ideas and moments are not destined to reappear later in your mind if they are ‘good enough’. Catch it now or risk losing it forever.
  • Have a break whilst you are ahead (even ‘in the zone’) rather than waiting until you hit the wall.
  • Leave the house before midday. Otherwise the afternoon will amount to nothing productive, even if the morning has been spectacularly creative.
  • There’s nothing wrong with decaff.

28 Plays Later

Saturday involved meeting with 100 writers who took part in the 28 Plays Later writing challenge in February, and reading 28 of the plays. It was lovely to meet everyone!

One of the plays included a scene where a couple went on a first date to London Zoo, but all the animals were hiding from view. Which is exactly the first date I had with my wife! Wierd.

Also thanks to Helen for the quote which you said I should include in my blog. I agree, so here it is: ‘You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore’ ― André Gide.

Warning! The words to picture ratio in this blog has now firmly shifted uncontrollably towards ink. I have to wake up in 3 hours time, so all I can say is sorry.


Wednesday was a day of following life’s breadcrumbs. Head up, ears open, waiting for the clues. Breakfast included overhearing potential pieces of the puzzle:

  • GIRL: ‘I’m a cafe girl in a cafe world.’ ‘I am infectiously happy today.’ ‘I look so much more attractive with a filter on.’ Who says these things? 
  • WAITER: ‘I just told that customer to have a nice gay’
  • LADY who spent a good 5 minutes saying how annoying it is getting to Gatwick from Canterbury because you can only go via london. A missed opportunity by me to gatecrash their conversation and let her know she could avoid London by going Canterbury -> Tonbridge -> Redhill -> Gatwick. Sorry Lady! 

Following a positive review, I the went to see Ready Player One. Loved it. I don’t want to spoil it, so my suggestion is you should watch it too. I really laughed loudly in the cinema at a moment in one scene which took place on the set of The Shining. I hope you do too!

I then headed to the Chocolate Cafe for a coffee and to finish a book I’ve been reading called Write. It’s a short book with a few nice keepers buried inside. The previous borrower of the book from the library clearly not agreeing, as they had defaced the back of the book near the price by writing ‘Really?!!’

Then two things occurred.

Two guys, who said they had been ‘hanging out with P Diddy’ sat next to me. Each ordered a piece of cake, but no drink. Mango and banana cake, and a green tea cake. One of them says he finally feels normal, he can no longer feel the crush of the world. The other one is Australian.

As I finished my book, one of the last sections was Russell Hoban describing the first time he went to Canterbury Cathedral. Being sat so close to the Cathedral I interpreted this as an opportunity, so said YES and headed into the crypt in search of clues.

  • Did you know Anthony Gormley has a sculpture in the crypt made from iron nails called ‘Transport’?
  • I stood quietly looking at one of the tombs for close to 5 minutes, before realising someone was sat silently behind me the whole time watching me.
  • I caught a couple stealing kisses in the herb garden. They quickly ran away on my arrival.

My path then took me out of the Cathedral and onto Burgate, and a book shop. On entering the book shop I had a ‘Loss of the Real’ (I would abbreviate to LOTR, but that could be interpretted Lord of the Rings…) moment as ‘The Power of Love‘ played on the radio, made more famous by Back to the Future, which I had just recently re-watched this week, and even more recently seen the delorian from Back to the Future used in Ready Player One.

What does it mean? Should I go back to the future?  How does one do that? David Bowie’s Space Oddity has been appearing in various places for me this week. Is it part of the same message? Should I look for the hidden meaning in this pop media network? Or does it all mean nothing?

What is the meaning of loaf, the universe and everything?

Easter Fools’ Day

Happy Easter!

Firstly, a grammatical question… April Fool’s Day, or April Fools’ Day? My money is on the latter, or the ‘later’ for those of you who chose the first option. A quick google search will immediately throw up both options from fairly reputable websites – for example the Independent going with Fool’s and the Guardian going with Fools’. Anyway, moving swiftly on.

Secondly, a comment on the featured image of a cross made of smashed Easter egg. A reminder of the Easter message of the cross and resurrection rather than the commercial focus of chocolate eggs and Easter bunnies. But also the new life you would associate with Spring, Easter Sunday and a smashed egg after a chick is born.

Easter Fools’ Day. 

There’s something odd about Easter Sunday and April Fools’ Day sharing the same day in the calendar. The ultimate fake news stories, the pranks that went too far, and the Son of God rising from the dead having conquered sin and death. Someone should stop that happening again. Or is it just me?

Social Media Footprint.

Have you ever done something you regretted? In retrospect, something fairly embarrassing. A naive choice made in your formative years? You’d never tell anyone about it now, the only problem being at the time you tattooed it on your face(book).

Or to put it another way…

Having just regenerated as Jodie Whittaker, you are immediately issued a surprise one-way ticket to Trenzalore due to a past tweet by William Hartnell which is now deemed inappropriate by the ‘media’. Not illegal, but apparently one of the 50 shades of grey.


No. Actually, that’s the only simile I have to offer right now. If you’re not familiar (or don’t care for) Dr Who, then ask a friend.

In short, what is the best approach to using Social Media? What should we be teaching our children? The addictive search for approval has led to people making some bad, or at best naive choices which can easily come back to haunt them further along the line. There is no social media amnesty, so your 30 year old self is held responsible for what your 15 year old self will publish on the web. There’s no lessons or a test to pass, we just get the keys to the car as soon as we learn to access the internet.

Is the only solution to keep your yourself to yourself until you’re ‘grown up’? Learn, be open to change and weigh other people’s opinions, get educated, and try your best not to be naive… Just don’t publish anything until you graduate your degree in growing up. Don’t write anything down, avoid social media and definitely don’t wear any bright coloured items of clothing?

Ok, and breathe, sorry, it’s bit heavy for Monday morning. This is quickly escalating into the plot of Kurt Wimmer’s Equilibrium, so I’ll stop there.


Adam Buxton.

If, like me, you are not familiar with Adam Buxton’s podcast, I would encourage you to stop reading my blog right now and start listening to it. It’s much more interesting! I’ve been loving working through the back catalogue of episodes over the last week or so. Thanks for the introduction Ewan David Eason!

You get to laugh out loud, as well as stumble across some lovely thought-provoking moments. Michael Lewis came out with a nugget this week – “The note on which an experience ends has a disproportionate effect on your memory of the experience.”


Thoughts of the week

Toilets is an anagram of T.S. Eliot. (courtesy of At the Violet Hour)

It’s funny that fool and proof both have ‘oo’ in them. With that in mind, it makes saying ‘fool proof roof’ very satisfying, which in turn nicely becomes ‘fall proof roof’, which is something that someone should definitely invent.


Captain’s Log. 

It’s felt like quite an unproductive week, but I’ve been keeping busy. It was great to see James Kirby perform in Canterbury on Thursday. Check out his facebook page for more tour dates, or to buy something.

Actually I’m going to put finally watching Thor Ragnarok down as a productive activity.

Oh, and this week’s musical creations included my cousin Sam Newman, a rap and some autotuner magic. What more do you want?


Bready Steady Bake. 

Excited about trying some recipes from Richard Bertinet’s Dough. Currently on loan from Nigel Farenden and promising to occupy a lot of my upcoming free time. Get your yourself a copy, and let’s have a bake off 🙂

Also featuring this week, Complete Indian Cooking. Does exactly what it says on the tin cover. You’ll never want for another Indian cook book after this. Stolen Borrowed from my parents many years ago.


Lost, never to be found.

I uncharacteristically managed to delete the near complete draft of this blog, so you have version 2. It’s predecessor was less sleepy, and used much betterer words. At least that’s my opinion, but I guess you’ll never know.


The Cob, the Bagel and the Ugly side of Foodselfies

First Contact

It’s not that I am scared to wear contact lenses, I just lack the motivation to poke myself in the eye every day. But in my recent attempt to say YES as much as possible, I ended up agreeing to a trial. You never know, maybe if I can see the ball I might become a better footballer and squash player. Unlikely, but still.

I was making every effort not to show how nervous I was, but it’s fair to say I was not hiding it very well. The optician was friendly, calm, and doing a good job at buidling my confidence for the imminent eye poking. That is, until he decided share a story about the time he dettached his friend’s retina by hitting a squash ball directly into his eye. With each graphic detail he shared, my confidence continued to dissappear. In typical British fashion however, I still couldn’t muster the courage to say I had changed my mind. Turns out it’s not all that bad. I might avoid playing squash for a while though.



And now for a poem….

Snug as a Bug

As snug as a bug in a rug,
or a pug in a jug,
or a thug in a tug.

I wonder though, why the thug is in a tug?
And for that matter, the pug in a jug?
Or the bug in a rug?

How did they get there?
Where are they going?
Are they happy or sad?
Indifferent or scared?

What if the pug was in a rug?
And the thug in a jug,
and the bug in a tug.

Does it make any difference?
Does anyone care?
I’d ask the thug but he just shrugs.
And the pug just slugs from his jug.
And the bug, he can’t talk. He’s a bug.


London Underground

You know that feeling when you’re on the London underground staring at a pattern on the wall and wonder, what would it sound like if someone converted it to a midi track?

Maybe someone has hidden Beethoven in the walls? Or a secret message waiting to be discovered? The architect of Southwark station hoping that someone will eventually decipher his message and rescue him. Having been held captive since the station opened on the 20th November 1999,  he has survived only on the rejected scraps of food from the rats who inhabit the network of underground tunnels. He was about to give up hope until I, Captain Breadbeard, discovered his secret message!

Below is an extract of the original pattern converted to midi, and then given musical life…




The Ugly Side of Food Selfies

#nofilter #instafood #foodporn #foodselfies


Captain’s Quarters – The hunt for Captain Breadbeard’s treasure

Think Dragon’s Den, but ideas more in their embryonic stage of life…

  • A band called ‘The Anglers’ or ‘Captain Breadbeard and the Anglers’. Inspired by the lyrics from Stereophonic’s Bartender and the Thief: ‘Long digging, Gone fishing, Love drinking’
  • All credit to Matt Murphy for this one. The Pepto-Cooler – a Peptobismol milkshake with a shot of Baileys and squirty cream.
  • Binglehoo – combining Bing, Google and Yahoo to create the ultimate search engine.
  • A bread based re-write of ‘Ready or Not’ by the Fugees called ‘Bready or not’.


Captain’s Log

Where’s Captain Breadbeard this week? For the love of lists and in the name of being economical with words (which should definitely be refered to as lexiconomy despite it not appearing in my dictionary. Surely that’s already word?), here is my week in a list or URLs.

Bready Eyed

This week’s blog is more about pictures than words, so excuse my brevity and lack of the usual free-flowing bread based puns. It’s been a busy week. First, let’s start at the end, and conveniently with a clip that justifies my blog heading Bready Eyed. 

I realised today I may have been talking to people about bread more than they are interested in hearing about bread. Is this what I’ve become?

Ok. Now to beginning for a round-up of my ‘working’ week.


The week began with me staying in a hotel at Luton Airport, ready to wake up at 5am and get a flight to Vilnius in Lithuania. What I neglected to do before going to sleep was to set an alarm. Turns out my body clock is working well, as I luckily happened to wake up at 5am. How does that even work?

My friend Sam collected me from the airport in Vilnius and gave me the tour, which amongst other things, included a 5 meter sculpture of Tony Soprano. I don’t feel like I asked enough questions about this.

Tourist points for trying the local cuisine, which came in the form of Cepelinai and Kibinai. Cepelinai takes a while to prepare, and is essentially the biggest gnocchi you have ever eaten. A few bars, games of Boggle, and failed attempts to understand the rules of Russian Pyramid later, and we called it a night.



Let’s just say I had the morning to myself, and my one word of Lithuanian which is Ačiū. It sounds like sneezing but means thank you.

The first stop was the Museum of Illusions and a very helpful young tour guide who took multiple photos of me posing with each display.



I have been trying to say ‘yes’ to as many things as possible. By chance I wondered into Art Gallery E.K. next, and when I got chatting with a lady in there, she suggested I go to a photography exhibition at Prospekto Galerija later that day. So, I said yes.

After being reunited with Sam we made our way across town to see the exhibition entitled “Depths, Cuts and Grains” by artists Geistė Marija Kinčinaitytė and Louise Oates, which also happened to be really good. It then transpired that a couple of them were from Brockley in South East London, not far from where I used to live in Peckham, and we followed the conversation with our new-found friends to a spontaneous night out in Vilnius.


Trakai Island Castle. A castle on an island, in a frozen lake. Nothing more I can add to that.



A little teaser from my collaboration with Caleb Simmons this week…


And another from Friday with Olly Knight…

Closing credits. 

This week’s screen time has included the brilliant Annihilation, Black Mirror episode ‘USS Callister’, The End of the F***ing World, an intro to Rick and Morty, Wonder Woman and Ricky Gervais’s Humanity.

However, this was the best thing I’ve watched all week. Thanks Tom.

We knead a list.


  1. Who doesn’t love a list?
  2. Who are these people who don’t love lists? Did they have a past traumatic experience involving a list?
  3. What do they do when they go food shopping?
  4. Are they just in denial or too hipster to admit the use of lists? On futher investigation/interogation will we reveal to them they have subconciously being using lists all their lives, and in fact love lists?
  5. At what point does a list become a list? At it’s embrionic stage of a mind list? Once it is verbalised? Must it be written down before it becomes a list. What is the minimum number of items that must be written down before it becomes a list. Is 1 item enough? If not, what about 1 item with a list subject heading?

Best breads

  1. Pointy batards
  2. An everything bagel*
  3. Garlic bread
  4. Peshwari naan
  5. Multigrain sourdough

*Everythng bagel seasoning

  1. Poppy Seeds
  2. Sesame Seeds
  3. Black Sesame Seeds
  4. Minced Dried Garlic
  5. Minced Dried Onion
  6. Flaked Sea Salt


  1. “You can’t cater for the stupid by cutting jokes the intilligent will get” John Cleese
  2. “It doesn’t matter how much you know about a language. It doesn’t matter how many words you can say, how many phrases you know. What matters is the emotional choices you make with this language.” Jacob Collier
  3. “Bruce and Sheila were not their real names. Their actual names were lost in the wind somewhere.” George Mahood. Free Country
  4. “It felt like we were characters in a Charles Dickens novel. Actually, it didn’t feel like that at all.” George Mahood. In conversation
  • Q: So when is a good time to visit Finland? A: 3 years ago.

Questions in my head

  1. What is the mathmatical seqence of shoes that fit inside the next size of shoe? Like a Russian doll, but with shoes.

Inventions to make

  1. A toaster where you select the colour you want the toast to be at the end, rather than a number system where anything over 5 creates burnt toast.

Films to remake as stop motion animated shorts with bread

  1. A Loaf Less Ordinary.
  2. Burn After Cooking, starring Bread Pitt.
  3. Fantastic Yeasts and Where to Find Them.
  4. Bun Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
  5. Flour Rangers
  6. Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Bloomer.
  7. It’s a Wonderful Loaf
  8. Beauty and the Bap
  9. Baguette Carter

My list of places to create a list, in order of the likelyhood I will then complete the task

  1. Trello
  2. Email
  3. Evernote
  4. Phone
  5. Scrap of paper
  6. Fridge
  7. 1 of 20 moleskins notepads around the house
  8. Basecamp
  9. My head
  10. Todoist app

Alternative titles for this blog

  • We knead lists to bake the world a better place
  • List to starbread
  • Listomania

House numbers I have lived at

  • 1
  • 63
  • 66
  • 14
  • 40
  • 20

More questions

  • If a bullet point is for an unordered list, and numbers for an ordered list, what about a lettered list?
  • What? Who? And where?

This week’s artists/performers

  1. Robin Ince
  2. Lindsay Segall, At the Violet Hour
  3. Christiane Baumgartner
  4. Cy Twombly
  5. Jacob Collier

International drinking rules masters

  • Thumb
  • Shark attack
  • Pose
  • Grenade
  • Coin
  • No pointing
  • No names
  • No saying drink
  • Left handed drinking

Time to say Goodbye.

CBB: Hi! How can I help today?

SCONES: I’d like to say goodbye. I saw your advert.

CBB: And is it you that’s saying goodbye? Or are you saying goodbye to a friend? 

SCONES: For me. 

CBB: I can do a friend for half price if you want? Or buy one get one free.

SCONES: That’s alright. 

CBB: It’s easier for us you see. 

SCONES: How’s that? 

CBB: If your friends say goodbye at the same time. Ties up the loose ends. We’re less exposed. That’s why we do the special offer. 

SCONES: Loose ends?

CBB: Nothing to do with severed limbs, more in case of a police investigation.

SCONES: I see, great. Still, just me. 

CBB: Ok. Would you like to try one of our new food based departures? 

SCONES: Maybe?

CBB: It’s called a Time bar. Looks like a Daim bar, but as you can see we’ve stuck the letter T over the D. Billy and me did it, it didn’t take long at all. 

SCONES: Taim bar? 

CBB: No, Time bar. As in, “Time will kill us all”. 

SCONES: Yes, but… Ok, nevermind. So it’s just a Daim bar? How does it work? Do I have to choke on it? Or are you going to bludgeon me death? Is it hard enough to do that?

CBB: No. It tastes like one, but each bar is loaded with a lethal dose of Polonium-210, which we lovingly extract from rocks containing radioactive uranium, or if we can’t find enough rocks then we separate it chemically from the substance radium-226. Either way, once you’ve tried it, you’ll never eat anything else, (aside) even if you could. 

SCONES: Oh, sounds very sciency. Anything else similar?

CBB: Actually, we are expanding our range of “confectionary killers”, but nothing else available right now. If you come back next week you could try our “Novi-Choc” 


CBB: Our “Sars Bar” 


CBB: Or our “Have a break, have a kill kat” 

SCONES: No no, it’s ok. I was really looking to get something today. The Time bar sounds perfect. 

CBB: Great, we just need to process you first. Billy over there will go through your obituary with you, check you’re happy. He used to be in life insurance but he switched to something more “hands on” (does strangling gesture) 

SCONES: Right. 

CBB: Also, we’re trying to become an official Dignitas service provider, so if you could leave us a review that would be great. Obviously leave it before consumption. And now I can take payment. You need to sign here, here and here. Thank you. Any last requests? 


CBB: Ok (hands him Time bar), if you just pop next door, Billy will.. Finish you off. Careful as you go. Do take care. Oh and, mind the step.

UK not Bready for Snowmageddon.

Well that escalated quickly!

It’s going to be a shorter blog this week, so straight in with headlines. I am pleased to report it has been a fantastic few days for bakers in the UK as a relatively light dusting of snow caused panic buying of bread from supermarkets around the country. It’s times like these that really help us get our priorities straight in life. #LoveLoafNotWar #LoafWins

28 Plays Later. 

I’m happy to have completed the challenge of writing 28 plays in 28 days in February, although I now have to survive March on self motivation. Here’s one more play for you from last month’s archives, called Time to say Goodbye.

31 Songs Later. 

Everyone else’s “snow days” have put my March song writing plans on ice somewhat. I’m hoping to make some more headway next week, however I did manage to remotely collaborate on one piece with Tim Jones. A work in progress but a start nonetheless…


In the spirit of a) sharing and b) proving I didn’t just build snowmen this week, here are 3 quotes that jumped off the page this week from the many books I have on the go.

“I can, of course, see the temptations of not beginning. Chiefly, not beginning sustains the belief that you are gifted…” Jill Dawson 

“Because out there in the real world, freedom means you have to admit authorship, even when your story turns out to be a stinker.” Steve Toltz

“The saddest thing about life is you don’t remember half of it. You don’t even remember half of half of it. Not even a tiny percentage, if you want to know the truth. I have this friend Bob who writes down everything he remembers. If he remembers dropping an ice cream cone on his lap when he was seven, he’ll write it down. The last time I talked to Bob, he had written more than five hundred pages of memories. He’s the only guy I know who remembers his life. He said he captures memories, because if he forgets them, it’s as though they didn’t happen; it’s as though he hadn’t lived the parts he doesn’t remember.” Donald Miller

Watched it.

It’s been a thought provoking week of theatre and film. Lucy Richardson directing Stephanie Jacob’s Strongbox at the Vault Festival was really fantastic. Only regret being I didn’t drag someone along to share the experience with me! What have I hidden behind the veil, trying to pretend it never really happened? What are my deepest fears and am I hurting people to hide them? 

On Friday, I got a sneak peak of the play Sarah Simmons is working on called Boulder, which comes recommended when it hits the stage. Very smart – a technically, musically and visually engaging piece. What is it that consumes my life? What is it I am struggling against but can never be free of and need to accept? Is my mountain no more than another man’s boulder? 

My film watching has created less soul searching. Something strange in Anomalisa, something tense and original in Get Out, and an easy watching winner in Baby Driver.

EDIT/confession: I also watched Baby’s Day Out. #sorry #pleaseforgiveme #doingitforthekids

The Breads.

Finally, in the name of being creative, I have naturally been re-writing the lyrics to “The Girls” by Calvin Harris to make it about bread. Go on, sing it.

I like them black breads, I like them white breads
I like them Asian breads, I like them mix-seed breads
I like them Spanish breads, I like them Italian breads
I like them French breads and I like Scandinavian breads

I like them long baguettes, I like them short baguettes
I like them tasty tiger breads, I like them giant giraffe breads
I like big bloomers, I like them artisan loaves
I like them hollowed out and filled with a hearty stew breads
Now baby, I’ve got a lot of carbs to eat