CBB: Hi! How can I help today?
SCONES: I’d like to say goodbye. I saw your advert.
CBB: And is it you that’s saying goodbye? Or are you saying goodbye to a friend?
SCONES: For me.
CBB: I can do a friend for half price if you want? Or buy one get one free.
SCONES: That’s alright.
CBB: It’s easier for us you see.
SCONES: How’s that?
CBB: If your friends say goodbye at the same time. Ties up the loose ends. We’re less exposed. That’s why we do the special offer.
SCONES: Loose ends?
CBB: Nothing to do with severed limbs, more in case of a police investigation.
SCONES: I see, great. Still, just me.
CBB: Ok. Would you like to try one of our new food based departures?
CBB: It’s called a Time bar. Looks like a Daim bar, but as you can see we’ve stuck the letter T over the D. Billy and me did it, it didn’t take long at all.
SCONES: Taim bar?
CBB: No, Time bar. As in, “Time will kill us all”.
SCONES: Yes, but… Ok, nevermind. So it’s just a Daim bar? How does it work? Do I have to choke on it? Or are you going to bludgeon me death? Is it hard enough to do that?
CBB: No. It tastes like one, but each bar is loaded with a lethal dose of Polonium-210, which we lovingly extract from rocks containing radioactive uranium, or if we can’t find enough rocks then we separate it chemically from the substance radium-226. Either way, once you’ve tried it, you’ll never eat anything else, (aside) even if you could.
SCONES: Oh, sounds very sciency. Anything else similar?
CBB: Actually, we are expanding our range of “confectionary killers”, but nothing else available right now. If you come back next week you could try our “Novi-Choc”
CBB: Our “Sars Bar”
CBB: Or our “Have a break, have a kill kat”
SCONES: No no, it’s ok. I was really looking to get something today. The Time bar sounds perfect.
CBB: Great, we just need to process you first. Billy over there will go through your obituary with you, check you’re happy. He used to be in life insurance but he switched to something more “hands on” (does strangling gesture)
CBB: Also, we’re trying to become an official Dignitas service provider, so if you could leave us a review that would be great. Obviously leave it before consumption. And now I can take payment. You need to sign here, here and here. Thank you. Any last requests?
CBB: Ok (hands him Time bar), if you just pop next door, Billy will.. Finish you off. Careful as you go. Do take care. Oh and, mind the step.